perseverance

it is officially the holiday season and I must admit I am a little excited. I usually hate the holidays, but this year I am feeling less of a Scrooge and more giving. I plan on either making or purchasing gifts from local stores. I want to give personal gifts that I hope my friends will like. I shall be moving back to MA in a few days. I don't have an apartment, but I start my training for A White Lie Dec. 6. I'm pumped to get sweating and sore. It will be almost 3 months of intensive dance and strength training! I think I most excited to see my friends and get back into my normal environment. I have found out through these last three months of soul searching and digging that I am not a suburban girl. I enjoy visiting, but I much prefer living in a city or somewhat close to a city. Thanksgiving was quite a feat. I had two dinners with two separate aunts. I love food. Since returning home I've gained 8 pounds. I know! That's not a lot to most people, but on my small frame, I finally look like a woman. I have curves! BOOBS! I'm thankful I won't have to drop to unbelievable skinny for the film. My trainer said to look toned dancer shape. Whatever, I want something to do. I've been incredibly bored, which means I've been reading more, watching even more movies, and even started a new script and polishing up some of my old scripts. I know I say this every time I move or start something new that this will be a new beginning, this time I really want to put an effort into everything I do. (again, this goes back to the soul digging) Of all my regrets and embarrassments that I can't re-do, my choice is now to give an astounding impression and keep up a decent reputation. I hate when people think I'm not serious or lazy about what I do. I do admit I can be lazy/tired, but that is no longer an excuse. Time is ticking. A little update. I plan on beginning a new blog to recount my adventures training, rehearsing, and filming A White Lie as well as my other acting endeavors. I enjoy reading other young actresses and their trials and tribulations in the acting world. It makes me feel less alone - even though everyone wants to be a movie star. How many actually make it?

actress: sarah bernhardt

in a glass house

do i unpack my bags or pack them? this constant state of instability has been leaving me restless and confused. my focus is never clear. i want this phase to pass. though at time i feel this phase has been a continuous path since 2003. i'm getting my closure here. finding the lost souls and staring them down to the core for forgiveness. i want the past to be the past. i miss my life in ma. this haunted house is barely getting me anywhere. in fact, i fear i am trapped here with no way out. i walked 2.3 miles out of anger to the highway. i hate that hitch-hiking is so passe nowadays. i've been absorbed by youtube videos of radio & juliet by radiohead ballet. i am nowhere near that capability. my back is out for one. so i'm thankful that we are in pre-production until march. i lost my damn insurance so i have absolutely no idea how i plan to fix all my broken limbs. i want to settle. i want to be near my friends and work and play and excitement and love. i have none of that here. except my crazy aunt kim. she pops over now and then. if i don't get my shit together, in 30 years i'll most likely resemble her. i will not let that fucking happen. i refuse to succumb to the weakness. i'm strong. damnit. i made it this far in one piece. the acid rain is falling down. i want it to eat this house so hallie and i can no longer worry about it and just count the dollar bills. one day. one day. who even reads this. don't judge. i like to write (grammatically incorrect most of the time. but i'm working on that, really, i am) my inner thoughts from time to time publicly so when i google myself in the future i can come back and read it and think, damn, what was i thinking. i get bored. i'm not perfect. but name one person who is?

and the rush comes

i have landed myself another leading role in an independent feature film. i'm quite excited for this one. the film is a blend of bodybuilding and ballet worlds collide and family drama can turn a dream into a nightmare. we don't begin filming until Jan/Feb, but the pre-production will be rigorous. not only will all the boys asses will be kicked in training, but i will be going through intensive ballet training, working one on one with a choreographer. it feels good to be able to sink my teeth and really figure out my character. and it's shooting during my "bad months". i feel good things about this!! http://www.sbfilms.webs.com/ i also signed on for a supporting role in yet another feature. i'm excited to work with the director, who happens to be deaf, and his style of directing. this one is a thriller. i don't want to reveal my role because it's sort of a crucial point to the backstory. http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-House-Across-The-Street/ career-wise is feeling much smoother. i would still like to do some commercial work in nyc, since it's so close. maybe shoot a couple shorts that take a day or two to film. i like to keep going. i feel stagnant when i'm not working on a project. i do work on my own projects, but it's nice to emulate a character written by another and receive the feedback to make myself a better actress. i wouldn't mind taking some classes or workshops as well. the house is looking better. i showed it to a young couple, who surprisingly liked it. shocking in this market. a few more repairs and paint and that's about all i can do and afford. the porch NEEDS to be demolished. and the squirrel situation is under control. over and out.

can i borrow your glue?

i continue to ask myself what i did wrong in this life or a past life that lead me to so much uncalled for disasters. my entire life i've done my best to be a good person and help others. i never wish harm on people. i really only want everyone to be happy. i never judge people in the way everyone else does. i try not to say bad things about people. sometimes i have trouble finding bad things to say. yet today, i had two severe panic/anxiety attacks. alone in this huge house, next to the box of my father's cremains, i cried and screamed for help. anyone who could have heard me. i don't want to die. especially not in this house or next to my dead dad. thanks to jimmy who came to my rescue and saved my life once again. more heart damage. my back has been in pain for weeks. i can't breathe out of my left nostril. i feel like i'm literally falling apart. my sister has threaten to kick my mother and i out of the house within 30 days leaving us homeless. my mom will not have anywhere to go. who does that to their mother? giving this house, our home away for nothing because of her douche boyfriend is pressuring her to sell this house as soon as possible. we're in a recession. the market sucks and your mother is homeless. i seriously wonder if i was adopted or a test tube baby or even switched at the hospital.... i know i need to leave here. i can go back to boston. my home. but i keep pondering to go and live a nomadic life and travel and work with other artists while i continue to work on my personal projects. get my head together. figure what steps i need to take next in my life, career, love.... but just like those damn squirrels in the tree out front throwing acorns at the house, more problems keep showing up. continuous waves crashing over me. i can't hold my breath much longer and treading this water is making me weak. but fuckers, i've made it this far. and you ain't seen nothing yet. oh, baby, you ain't seen NOTHING yet.

and the plot thickens

i really, really hope i don't crack. going through the past is a frightening thing. i'm overwhelmed by many things at the moment. it's hard to take in at times. i've watched a life go by. a family fragments of a dream. as i was painting my "playroom" this evening i saw little signs i made stuck to the wall for my Barbies. i sat and i cried. i cried that my childhood has vanished. when did i become an adult? would people frown upon me if i played with Barbies now? i saw that my favorite Barbie dreamhouse was given to some children down the block. i want to take it back, but i'm glad it's being used. though, it is outside... i'm positive i won't be here that long. my sister has already threaten to evict us (my mother and i) from the house on many occasions. i want to see her clean the gutters and paint and declog drains. stupid bitch. oh, and i also think my uncle murdered my father. shredding these documents, i've noticed some inconsistencies with some dates. my dad did always call me a spy kid. how cute. some research will be needed. more time i feel i'm running low on.

home?

i find myself once again in my childhood home. it was 1997 when i first left; when my parents divorced. i would occasionally come back to visit, but it was still Daddy's house, not home. i consider the second time i left was in 2008; it was the last time i visited my Dad at home. Now that he has passed on, it's my house. It feels haunted. Filled with memories: good and bad. Everything feels small, as if I were a giant in a dwarf's house. Nothing feels the same or looks the same from when I was a child. It's a fixer upper. I have a lot of work ahead of myself. It's for sale. My sister and I decided to let go. Leave the past behind. Neither of us want to live in the area and the house is huge. I look at the neighborhood now. Filled with young families and happy children. I want my home to be like that again. I wish that a lovely young family purchase this house and turn it into their home. Fill the house with new memories. Let the house live on.

actress: louise brooks

what is this

i woke up. took a piss. packed a bowl. started to watch a movie.

just thinking... it's 2011. such a strange looking number.

the psychic i saw the other day said 2011 will be a better year.

career wise: i have 4 projects.
Keys, Palindrome, Love Is To Share, and Alex's film with a combo of some shorts and music videos.

i really want to do another period piece. john at rw said they're doing a civil war drama that they have a part for me. it's probably not shooting soon since there is snow.

i was semi-fighting with nick over texts. i hate texts. you can take them out of context in the worst ways. but then i looked at my horoscope and it said to avoid arguments. so i stopped. i don't even remember why i was arguing.

tomorrow: i have no idea. continue getting life together. planning. schedules. emails. don't forget to go outside.
putting blue on pre-production. if i had all the funding, i could start tomorrow. i pretty much know who i would hire for crew. casting.... i originally wanted to play the role, but i may give it up and direct only. i just know i will be uber picky for who i chose.
i need to get a new cell phone. yay! everything will be new. not a scrap of my old life will be available. wooo!

i started a 52 week photo project. don't know why. i'm so bad with photos. but i really enjoy it. i'm shit with the technical aspect, thats why i use simple mode or whatever. if i sat down to learn it, yeah, but i haven't. i've had photo ideas for ages. now that i have some extra time, why not play around creatively. it makes me happy and that's my goal. i also am curious to see if i can stick to the once a week challenge. i want to see if i can finish, and overall, be proud of what i did.