and the rush comes

i have landed myself another leading role in an independent feature film. i'm quite excited for this one. the film is a blend of bodybuilding and ballet worlds collide and family drama can turn a dream into a nightmare. we don't begin filming until Jan/Feb, but the pre-production will be rigorous. not only will all the boys asses will be kicked in training, but i will be going through intensive ballet training, working one on one with a choreographer. it feels good to be able to sink my teeth and really figure out my character. and it's shooting during my "bad months". i feel good things about this!! http://www.sbfilms.webs.com/ i also signed on for a supporting role in yet another feature. i'm excited to work with the director, who happens to be deaf, and his style of directing. this one is a thriller. i don't want to reveal my role because it's sort of a crucial point to the backstory. http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-House-Across-The-Street/ career-wise is feeling much smoother. i would still like to do some commercial work in nyc, since it's so close. maybe shoot a couple shorts that take a day or two to film. i like to keep going. i feel stagnant when i'm not working on a project. i do work on my own projects, but it's nice to emulate a character written by another and receive the feedback to make myself a better actress. i wouldn't mind taking some classes or workshops as well. the house is looking better. i showed it to a young couple, who surprisingly liked it. shocking in this market. a few more repairs and paint and that's about all i can do and afford. the porch NEEDS to be demolished. and the squirrel situation is under control. over and out.

can i borrow your glue?

i continue to ask myself what i did wrong in this life or a past life that lead me to so much uncalled for disasters. my entire life i've done my best to be a good person and help others. i never wish harm on people. i really only want everyone to be happy. i never judge people in the way everyone else does. i try not to say bad things about people. sometimes i have trouble finding bad things to say. yet today, i had two severe panic/anxiety attacks. alone in this huge house, next to the box of my father's cremains, i cried and screamed for help. anyone who could have heard me. i don't want to die. especially not in this house or next to my dead dad. thanks to jimmy who came to my rescue and saved my life once again. more heart damage. my back has been in pain for weeks. i can't breathe out of my left nostril. i feel like i'm literally falling apart. my sister has threaten to kick my mother and i out of the house within 30 days leaving us homeless. my mom will not have anywhere to go. who does that to their mother? giving this house, our home away for nothing because of her douche boyfriend is pressuring her to sell this house as soon as possible. we're in a recession. the market sucks and your mother is homeless. i seriously wonder if i was adopted or a test tube baby or even switched at the hospital.... i know i need to leave here. i can go back to boston. my home. but i keep pondering to go and live a nomadic life and travel and work with other artists while i continue to work on my personal projects. get my head together. figure what steps i need to take next in my life, career, love.... but just like those damn squirrels in the tree out front throwing acorns at the house, more problems keep showing up. continuous waves crashing over me. i can't hold my breath much longer and treading this water is making me weak. but fuckers, i've made it this far. and you ain't seen nothing yet. oh, baby, you ain't seen NOTHING yet.

and the plot thickens

i really, really hope i don't crack. going through the past is a frightening thing. i'm overwhelmed by many things at the moment. it's hard to take in at times. i've watched a life go by. a family fragments of a dream. as i was painting my "playroom" this evening i saw little signs i made stuck to the wall for my Barbies. i sat and i cried. i cried that my childhood has vanished. when did i become an adult? would people frown upon me if i played with Barbies now? i saw that my favorite Barbie dreamhouse was given to some children down the block. i want to take it back, but i'm glad it's being used. though, it is outside... i'm positive i won't be here that long. my sister has already threaten to evict us (my mother and i) from the house on many occasions. i want to see her clean the gutters and paint and declog drains. stupid bitch. oh, and i also think my uncle murdered my father. shredding these documents, i've noticed some inconsistencies with some dates. my dad did always call me a spy kid. how cute. some research will be needed. more time i feel i'm running low on.

home?

i find myself once again in my childhood home. it was 1997 when i first left; when my parents divorced. i would occasionally come back to visit, but it was still Daddy's house, not home. i consider the second time i left was in 2008; it was the last time i visited my Dad at home. Now that he has passed on, it's my house. It feels haunted. Filled with memories: good and bad. Everything feels small, as if I were a giant in a dwarf's house. Nothing feels the same or looks the same from when I was a child. It's a fixer upper. I have a lot of work ahead of myself. It's for sale. My sister and I decided to let go. Leave the past behind. Neither of us want to live in the area and the house is huge. I look at the neighborhood now. Filled with young families and happy children. I want my home to be like that again. I wish that a lovely young family purchase this house and turn it into their home. Fill the house with new memories. Let the house live on.